Monday, August 10, 2009
It's 4 something on a Monday morning and i'm still awake. This is not good.
I blame this entirely on Sunday afternoon naps that seem to stretch to four hours even when you tell yourself explicitly not more than 2 hours the most. That and also dastardly laptops which you have all to yourself and none of that parents behind your back wanting you to sleep by midnight.
I didn't nap in the afternoon back home and i certainly didn't stay up until 4 am on a schoolnight (morning?) right before the day when 2 tests are due.
I dunno what's come over me. Maybe a bout of unrecognizable (i get a faint thrill at using american words -- i'll come to my senses in the morning) depression? I just keep thinking about that 90 score over and over again and i just don't see how i can reach it.
Now'd be a great time to be able to get drunk, methinks.
Thank God for small mercies, mm? Here is where i'll take a swig of alcohol but since i can't; legality issues aside, i'm gonna go ahead and wallow in ... whatever i'm wallowing in a the moment.
Never thought i'd spend the night reading Discworld fanfic interspesed with donuts (though i must say it was delicious and ye gods i haven't read xxxHolic in a while), Fables comics yes but not this... mm.
And again i'm sloughed with a mild case of depression with the constant reminder of that damn Alzheimers condition and worse still i'm overcome with the guilty heebiejeebies because i'm more depressed over the fact there won't be many DW novels out in the coming years than that an awesome intelligent ...awesome man is going to slowly lose his life.
Again i'd take a swig if i could.
thoughts are rambling around in my head and this is the only way i know how to kill time efficiently -- ok maybe not efficiently, but at least i'm doing something. (if you're a smart aleck you'd say "well then, why aren't you studying you ass?")
and i'll say back "cos i'm almost tired of it all you git! i'm starting to srsly not see the point in pursuing a phd when a simple degree seems to do the same job for you in an honourable career such as physio. but what to do? my mom's pushing me; i want to leave perth; i want to leave the strong friendbase i've made here. call me daft whatever i've made my decision according to some convoluted logic my masterful brain came up with and i'm not going to argue at ... 4:30 in the morning.
my brain hurts.
staying up till late is not good.
i feel sad.
like when wp discredited pterry. haha i remembered i damn well near cried. which was stupid of me when i could have pierced him with an icy glare and go "and just what reason do you have you proletariat?" cept of course i was young and emotional. damn emotions.
everything seems to be swirling around and i'm being thrown about in the eddies.
well no, not really but didn't that seem eloquent? ...this time o' night, your mind will think cheese on gravel is hilarious.
thank goodness practically nobody reads this blog anymorehuh? good good less of my ravings to go around hahah
you know whats even funnier?
that when this is done and people DO read it and with all the right intentions ask me with concern am i alright (the road to hell is paved with good intentions; i've always liked that quote)
i'm gonna laugh and say its nothing, don't worry about it, 4 in the morning, i'm a raving madwoman!
but i don't think it'll go away easily
nothing like this does
but for the sake of sanity and clean masks we do all we can right? functioning properly in society is what we all aim for, in the end.
oh you know, a divergent thought here. we go through life improving ourselves right? our parents and our teachers imprint heavily in our minds that we do it for ourselves. remember? how studying is supposed to be for our own sakes, that we have to study for ourselves not other people. but how much of that is true?
i think we work to improve ourselves for our future spouses. we want them to be proud of us so all we do is in accumulation of that. we want our partners to show us off to the rest of the world. be proud. don't you want your own lovers to be for better lack of term, awesome?
yes yes of course theres always the whole love them for themselves, love you for who you are; still it's not like you'll let yourself go and expect them to love you the same level. so yeah. think of it as investing in your future. build yourself up so that people can sit up and take notice going "yeah! i'd want a lover of that caliber!"
of course you might get so awesome ppl get scared of approaching you haha.
ok end of divergent thought, where was i? oh yes, i have a minor headache building up. haha my english is shot to pieces. d'you reckon it's the timing or the depression (i suppose that's what it is. not sure what else it could be. that chilli i had for dinner? no i lie, i had no chilli. still my fingers type before i think. narrative magic and all that *sardonic smile*)
i'm hardly making any sense yet i'm truly enjoying myself. this post is going to be long as a toilet roll. theres more in my head i suppose, doubt any of this could happen again in the near future
i plan to stop using my laptop except for impt stuffs like past year papers but that is all. i hope i can keep to that plan.
am i done? no, we are never done. but i think time has caught up with me and my eyelids are beginning to slide ever so slowly downwards. so until next time which may be never, i bid you adieu.
I blame this entirely on Sunday afternoon naps that seem to stretch to four hours even when you tell yourself explicitly not more than 2 hours the most. That and also dastardly laptops which you have all to yourself and none of that parents behind your back wanting you to sleep by midnight.
I didn't nap in the afternoon back home and i certainly didn't stay up until 4 am on a schoolnight (morning?) right before the day when 2 tests are due.
I dunno what's come over me. Maybe a bout of unrecognizable (i get a faint thrill at using american words -- i'll come to my senses in the morning) depression? I just keep thinking about that 90 score over and over again and i just don't see how i can reach it.
Now'd be a great time to be able to get drunk, methinks.
Thank God for small mercies, mm? Here is where i'll take a swig of alcohol but since i can't; legality issues aside, i'm gonna go ahead and wallow in ... whatever i'm wallowing in a the moment.
Never thought i'd spend the night reading Discworld fanfic interspesed with donuts (though i must say it was delicious and ye gods i haven't read xxxHolic in a while), Fables comics yes but not this... mm.
And again i'm sloughed with a mild case of depression with the constant reminder of that damn Alzheimers condition and worse still i'm overcome with the guilty heebiejeebies because i'm more depressed over the fact there won't be many DW novels out in the coming years than that an awesome intelligent ...awesome man is going to slowly lose his life.
Again i'd take a swig if i could.
thoughts are rambling around in my head and this is the only way i know how to kill time efficiently -- ok maybe not efficiently, but at least i'm doing something. (if you're a smart aleck you'd say "well then, why aren't you studying you ass?")
and i'll say back "cos i'm almost tired of it all you git! i'm starting to srsly not see the point in pursuing a phd when a simple degree seems to do the same job for you in an honourable career such as physio. but what to do? my mom's pushing me; i want to leave perth; i want to leave the strong friendbase i've made here. call me daft whatever i've made my decision according to some convoluted logic my masterful brain came up with and i'm not going to argue at ... 4:30 in the morning.
my brain hurts.
staying up till late is not good.
i feel sad.
like when wp discredited pterry. haha i remembered i damn well near cried. which was stupid of me when i could have pierced him with an icy glare and go "and just what reason do you have you proletariat?" cept of course i was young and emotional. damn emotions.
everything seems to be swirling around and i'm being thrown about in the eddies.
well no, not really but didn't that seem eloquent? ...this time o' night, your mind will think cheese on gravel is hilarious.
thank goodness practically nobody reads this blog anymorehuh? good good less of my ravings to go around hahah
you know whats even funnier?
that when this is done and people DO read it and with all the right intentions ask me with concern am i alright (the road to hell is paved with good intentions; i've always liked that quote)
i'm gonna laugh and say its nothing, don't worry about it, 4 in the morning, i'm a raving madwoman!
but i don't think it'll go away easily
nothing like this does
but for the sake of sanity and clean masks we do all we can right? functioning properly in society is what we all aim for, in the end.
oh you know, a divergent thought here. we go through life improving ourselves right? our parents and our teachers imprint heavily in our minds that we do it for ourselves. remember? how studying is supposed to be for our own sakes, that we have to study for ourselves not other people. but how much of that is true?
i think we work to improve ourselves for our future spouses. we want them to be proud of us so all we do is in accumulation of that. we want our partners to show us off to the rest of the world. be proud. don't you want your own lovers to be for better lack of term, awesome?
yes yes of course theres always the whole love them for themselves, love you for who you are; still it's not like you'll let yourself go and expect them to love you the same level. so yeah. think of it as investing in your future. build yourself up so that people can sit up and take notice going "yeah! i'd want a lover of that caliber!"
of course you might get so awesome ppl get scared of approaching you haha.
ok end of divergent thought, where was i? oh yes, i have a minor headache building up. haha my english is shot to pieces. d'you reckon it's the timing or the depression (i suppose that's what it is. not sure what else it could be. that chilli i had for dinner? no i lie, i had no chilli. still my fingers type before i think. narrative magic and all that *sardonic smile*)
i'm hardly making any sense yet i'm truly enjoying myself. this post is going to be long as a toilet roll. theres more in my head i suppose, doubt any of this could happen again in the near future
i plan to stop using my laptop except for impt stuffs like past year papers but that is all. i hope i can keep to that plan.
am i done? no, we are never done. but i think time has caught up with me and my eyelids are beginning to slide ever so slowly downwards. so until next time which may be never, i bid you adieu.
Vital regions invaded at 4:15 AM.
